so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize