anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize