I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My cat gives me a boner
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
