i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
