C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
