Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
