I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
