So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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