An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize