I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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