I wish my penis had an off switch
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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