Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize