I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
