Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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