I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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