well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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