My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Dick very happy bro
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
