I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
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