a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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