HIV tests are more positive than that guy
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize