i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
