I need help removing her.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
