so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
