I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
