so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
