i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
how drunk are you?
Several
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
