She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
