my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
