she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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