My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
