did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
