She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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