dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
