Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
