I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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