fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
