You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
