dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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