I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize