thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
