Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I came so hard my ears popped.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
