The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
