i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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