He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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