my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
