Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
