I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
