Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
