I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
