I think my fart just growled at me.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
