I just cut my nipple shaving
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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