You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
