Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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