you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
