wat bout pragnant strippers??
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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