I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
