I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
