I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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